Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm getting fun again... I think.

Unexpected side effect of Whole 30... My personality is coming back.

I've been in a funk (seriously suffocating blues) for about a year, caused by one major blow of stress after another. It has been the hardest year of my life. No I take that back, because things like that are scary to say, but I will say there has been more sadness, shock, panic, pain, and anger packed back-to-back from March 2013 to April 2013 than in any other time in my life so far. It got hard to handle, hard to believe that it was real. It got easier to just joke about it--I told my sister and mom one night (the night after my YOUNGER sister had a mini-stroke and I got kicked out of my apartment) that I was going to write a book someday about this year entitled, "Stephanie Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I don't want to talk about the past year anymore, because it really sucks to think about, to hear about, and because that's what my therapist is for. But I will say that the year gradually beat me into a ghost of myself. My best, happiest moments were when I was well-rested on rare occasions, when I dragged myself outside with my dog, or when I was a little loopy from pain meds for my back (injured June 2013), so I actually felt like talking to people. Maintaining friendships has been very hard, because I don't want to talk about my personal struggles much, but I've been very lonely and sad and I need support.  I've also been very difficult to be a friend to, because I shut down a lot, cry constantly, forget everything, and I'm not fun at all lately.  Total downer.

But... silver lining, peeking through the clouds...

It's Day 4 of my Whole 30 and I feel myself growing a little bigger and bigger inside of me again.  I feel like Stephanie isn't stuffed down and choked out by food. I've spent a year using food to kill my bad feelings, but it was killing my good feelings too I think. Killing my whole personality!

It is such a relief to feel that the fun Stephie is not lost forever. She is resurrected and taking some breaths and getting stronger! I was funny on instagram yesterday, I talked to my sister on the phone, I group texted my best friend and made her cry from laughing in church, and I even took a selfie. Nothing is more Stephie than that! I'm back baby.

And one more miracle, tonight, a nice guy that I'm talking to texted and asked how I'm doing, and I said, "Really good!" And I meant it. And he asked, "How was your day?" and I said, "It was good! Really productive at work, and ..." and told him some fun things I did too. I don't remember the last time I told someone I am "good", let alone "really good".  For months it has been, "Okay," while holding back, "Miserable, I hate my life and everything in the world." I felt like a stranger was texting those words, but I just meant them with all my heart, and shocked the crap out of myself. So small, but a giant gleeful moment for me.

I hope I have expressed how huge this is without sounding totally crazy. Oh well, if you think I'm crazy, read a different blog. Xoxox.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I'm Learning Food Stuff.

So guys, I'm having fun with my food. It's Day 3 only (!!) and I'm already feeling some freedom--less constant hunger, fewer cravings, less overwhelm, less stress with regards to "what will I eat right now that will not make me feel TERRIBLE?" Also, today is the first day I woke up without a headache in, oh, 3-4 months at least. So, bonus. And I made a fancy breakfast to celebrate.



It was yum. I've been noticing that my meals, and especially snacks are wanting to be very fruit/veggie and fat-focused. I need to work on upping my animal protein, at least for Whole30. I'm not used to eating it at every meal, that's for sure. But I'll give it a try for now, and see what I decide on after the 30 days!  These are some snacks I've enjoyed so far:

 Cashews, carrots, and homemade guac

Sliced banana, almond butter, and pecans. Perfect bedtime treat. 
 Today I had apple slices topped with avo slices and salt. I just wanted it and had it. So whatevs.

Next food experiment will be making homemade mayo in my blender... with the recipe below. That should help me get more protein in, with some chicken, egg, and shrimp salads. So far so good!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Whole30 Wish List

I have some hopes and dreams wrapped up in completing my round of Whole30. The benefits are supposed to be helping with systemic inflammation, easing of mysterious aches and pains, and a reset in regards to food.

These are the things I'm hoping for:
  • less carpal tunnel pain
  • less back pain
  • fewer migraines
  • clearer skin
  • less puffy eyes
  • less tummy bloating
  • more energy
  • better sleep
  • maybe lose some inches (here's hoping!)
  • fewer carb and sugar cravings
So we'll see how it goes! I'll report on how everything turns out. I feel the same as always today. But I ate all my good food. I already need more eggs.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Holy Whole 30

Day 1.

I have begun this very brave and very important food rehab for myself. The program is Whole30, found here. The premise is basically to eat only whole, unprocessed food, void of chemicals and emotionally, hormonally, or psychologically unbalancing ingredients (think grains, sugar, additives, etc).

I committed to the plan yesterday, shopped and prepared, and started today.

I had no choice. I've been eating like food is saving my life, but it's drowning me. I've been emotionally eating my brains out. I knew I had a serious problem when my therapist (judge me) asked me what I look forward to in my life day to day, and I could not think of one single thing besides food. Cafe Rio and cookie dough ice cream.

I've tried eliminating sugar, gluten, meat... I've been pescatarian and vegan. But I cheat. I'm a full blown addict. I need rehab and a total reset. Freedom from food. I can say one thing for all the craziness; I don't give up.

So with my final high weight behind me (208), and some scary bloated before pictures lurking on my phone, I'm ready to eat real food.

TODAY. I ate eggs and sweet potato hash browns with spinach and tomatoes for breakfast. I honestly don't even remember lunch, but it was there. Home-made baked sweet potato chips and fresh guacamole for a snack. Tilapia, zucchini, and pineapple for dinner. Boiled eggs, cashews, and banana for snack. It was a mess, but I did it! I had a headache and stomach ache all day, and started my first period for this calendar year.

29 days to go. Scary frozen smile emoji.