Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm getting fun again... I think.

Unexpected side effect of Whole 30... My personality is coming back.

I've been in a funk (seriously suffocating blues) for about a year, caused by one major blow of stress after another. It has been the hardest year of my life. No I take that back, because things like that are scary to say, but I will say there has been more sadness, shock, panic, pain, and anger packed back-to-back from March 2013 to April 2013 than in any other time in my life so far. It got hard to handle, hard to believe that it was real. It got easier to just joke about it--I told my sister and mom one night (the night after my YOUNGER sister had a mini-stroke and I got kicked out of my apartment) that I was going to write a book someday about this year entitled, "Stephanie Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I don't want to talk about the past year anymore, because it really sucks to think about, to hear about, and because that's what my therapist is for. But I will say that the year gradually beat me into a ghost of myself. My best, happiest moments were when I was well-rested on rare occasions, when I dragged myself outside with my dog, or when I was a little loopy from pain meds for my back (injured June 2013), so I actually felt like talking to people. Maintaining friendships has been very hard, because I don't want to talk about my personal struggles much, but I've been very lonely and sad and I need support.  I've also been very difficult to be a friend to, because I shut down a lot, cry constantly, forget everything, and I'm not fun at all lately.  Total downer.

But... silver lining, peeking through the clouds...

It's Day 4 of my Whole 30 and I feel myself growing a little bigger and bigger inside of me again.  I feel like Stephanie isn't stuffed down and choked out by food. I've spent a year using food to kill my bad feelings, but it was killing my good feelings too I think. Killing my whole personality!

It is such a relief to feel that the fun Stephie is not lost forever. She is resurrected and taking some breaths and getting stronger! I was funny on instagram yesterday, I talked to my sister on the phone, I group texted my best friend and made her cry from laughing in church, and I even took a selfie. Nothing is more Stephie than that! I'm back baby.

And one more miracle, tonight, a nice guy that I'm talking to texted and asked how I'm doing, and I said, "Really good!" And I meant it. And he asked, "How was your day?" and I said, "It was good! Really productive at work, and ..." and told him some fun things I did too. I don't remember the last time I told someone I am "good", let alone "really good".  For months it has been, "Okay," while holding back, "Miserable, I hate my life and everything in the world." I felt like a stranger was texting those words, but I just meant them with all my heart, and shocked the crap out of myself. So small, but a giant gleeful moment for me.

I hope I have expressed how huge this is without sounding totally crazy. Oh well, if you think I'm crazy, read a different blog. Xoxox.

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