Monday, March 17, 2014


This is what 200 pounds looks like.
 200 pound girls wear skinny jeans. And animal print!
 200 pound girls show their tummies. (And wear bikinis!)
 200 pound girls dress up and get and holla'd at as much as the next girl (or more).
 200 pound girls catch themselves staring. 

 200 pound girls take shameless bathroom selfies in dirty bathrooms, just like skinny girls. We are just that hot, we can't wait long enough to clean the bathroom.
 200 pound girls go on vacations and have adventures and hug trees. :)

 200 pound girls are sassy. Duh. Oh and don't always wear clothing "appropriate for their body type."

200 pound girls work out. When they are not taking pics of it. 

 200 pound girls get tired and work out anyway.
Um, and 200 pound girls climb in shopping carts like children. 

Hi my name is Stephanie Spainhower, and I weigh 200 pounds.

This past fall and winter, I weighed myself no more than a handful of times, but I fluctuated between 190 and 200. About the same for the rest of 2013, when I was weighing myself a lot more.  Basically, whether I worship the scale every day or every week or not, I was going to stay about there, and that is based a lot on my emotional eating, which is based a lot on what is going on in my personal life. 

200 is my high weight as a constant fluctuater, and 160-ish is my healthy low.  200 was once a prison for me; it meant shame and pain and the belief that I deserved nothing. Not because of the weight, but because of the beliefs (and the causes), I carried the weight around. I was in a very scary and destructive relationship a few years ago, and didn't wake up and see myself, inside or outside, until I got out of it. Once that happened, I easily dropped 40 pounds. I've spent the years since then between 170 and 180 for the most part, happy as a curvy clam with that size.  

200 for me now means beautiful. It doesn't mean I can't do better. It doesn't mean I'm hiding, or I'm embarrassed or ashamed.  It definitely doesn't mean don't look at me. It doesn't mean I do what some one else tells me to do. It doesn't mean terrified. It doesn't mean not good enough. I promised myself years ago that nothing about me would ever be that girl again. 

BUT. *moment of confession!* 200 does mean too much stress and not enough sleep. It does mean a lot of personal sadness and struggle. It does mean injury and physical and emotional pain. It does mean emotional eating. It does mean being lonely, and not always knowing who is really there. It means holding on to a lot that I should LET GO. 

One thing I have been on the journey to let go of is the stigma of these numbers on the stupid scale. It is a liar (so fickle, seriously, can't trust it), and it doesn't tell the truth about us. If we only look at what the scale gives us, look at all the things we would miss about ourselves! I for one would might miss that I'm funny, smart, loving, real, wise, experienced, beautiful, creative, insightful, and talented. Not to mention, made up of all the fun and hotness pictured above. 

Right now, 200 is an indicator to me about my physical and emotional health. And I can love my body and want to change it at the same time. As my back heals and I'm more mobile and active (happening!), my weight will stabilize to my comfy range.  As I continue to work on my emotional health and habits (thank you therapy), I'll let go of weight physically and figuratively. I'm not worried. 

200 may mean a lot of things. But it doesn't scare me. 

"You have no power over me."--Sarah to the Goblin King