I'm Learning Food Stuff.

So guys, I'm having fun with my food. It's Day 3 only (!!) and I'm already feeling some freedom--less constant hunger, fewer cravings, less overwhelm, less stress with regards to "what will I eat right now that will not make me feel TERRIBLE?" Also, today is the first day I woke up without a headache in, oh, 3-4 months at least. So, bonus. And I made a fancy breakfast to celebrate.

Before:

After:

It was yum. I've been noticing that my meals, and especially snacks are wanting to be very fruit/veggie and fat-focused. I need to work on upping my animal protein, at least for Whole30. I'm not used to eating it at every meal, that's for sure. But I'll give it a try for now, and see what I decide on after the 30 days!  These are some snacks I've enjoyed so far:

 Cashews, carrots, and homemade guac

Sliced banana, almond butter, and pecans. Perfect bedtime treat. 

 

 Today I had apple slices topped with avo slices and salt. I just wanted it and had it. So whatevs.

Next food experiment will be making homemade mayo in my blender... with the recipe below. That should help me get more protein in, with some chicken, egg, and shrimp salads. So far so good!

http://vahuntergatherers.com/2014/01/18/homemade-mayonnaise-recipe-paleo-gluten-free/

Whole30 Wish List

I have some hopes and dreams wrapped up in completing my round of Whole30. The benefits are supposed to be helping with systemic inflammation, easing of mysterious aches and pains, and a reset in regards to food.

These are the things I'm hoping for:

• less carpal tunnel pain
• less back pain
• fewer migraines
• clearer skin
• less puffy eyes
• less tummy bloating
• more energy
• better sleep
• maybe lose some inches (here's hoping!)
• fewer carb and sugar cravings

So we'll see how it goes! I'll report on how everything turns out. I feel the same as always today. But I ate all my good food. I already need more eggs.

Holy Whole 30

Day 1.

I have begun this very brave and very important food rehab for myself. The program is Whole30, found here. The premise is basically to eat only whole, unprocessed food, void of chemicals and emotionally, hormonally, or psychologically unbalancing ingredients (think grains, sugar, additives, etc).

I committed to the plan yesterday, shopped and prepared, and started today.

I had no choice. I've been eating like food is saving my life, but it's drowning me. I've been emotionally eating my brains out. I knew I had a serious problem when my therapist (judge me) asked me what I look forward to in my life day to day, and I could not think of one single thing besides food. Cafe Rio and cookie dough ice cream.

I've tried eliminating sugar, gluten, meat... I've been pescatarian and vegan. But I cheat. I'm a full blown addict. I need rehab and a total reset. Freedom from food. I can say one thing for all the craziness; I don't give up.

So with my final high weight behind me (208), and some scary bloated before pictures lurking on my phone, I'm ready to eat real food.

TODAY. I ate eggs and sweet potato hash browns with spinach and tomatoes for breakfast. I honestly don't even remember lunch, but it was there. Home-made baked sweet potato chips and fresh guacamole for a snack. Tilapia, zucchini, and pineapple for dinner. Boiled eggs, cashews, and banana for snack. It was a mess, but I did it! I had a headache and stomach ache all day, and started my first period for this calendar year.

29 days to go. Scary frozen smile emoji.

200

This is what 200 pounds looks like.

 200 pound girls wear skinny jeans. And animal print!

 200 pound girls show their tummies. (And wear bikinis!)

 200 pound girls dress up and get and holla'd at as much as the next girl (or more).

 200 pound girls catch themselves staring. 

 200 pound girls take shameless bathroom selfies in dirty bathrooms, just like skinny girls. We are just that hot, we can't wait long enough to clean the bathroom.

 200 pound girls go on vacations and have adventures and hug trees. :)

 200 pound girls are sassy. Duh. Oh and don't always wear clothing "appropriate for their body type."

200 pound girls work out. When they are not taking pics of it. 

 200 pound girls get tired and work out anyway.

Um, and 200 pound girls climb in shopping carts like children. 

Hi my name is Stephanie Spainhower, and I weigh 200 pounds.

This past fall and winter, I weighed myself no more than a handful of times, but I fluctuated between 190 and 200. About the same for the rest of 2013, when I was weighing myself a lot more.  Basically, whether I worship the scale every day or every week or not, I was going to stay about there, and that is based a lot on my emotional eating, which is based a lot on what is going on in my personal life. 

200 is my high weight as a constant fluctuater, and 160-ish is my healthy low.  200 was once a prison for me; it meant shame and pain and the belief that I deserved nothing. Not because of the weight, but because of the beliefs (and the causes), I carried the weight around. I was in a very scary and destructive relationship a few years ago, and didn't wake up and see myself, inside or outside, until I got out of it. Once that happened, I easily dropped 40 pounds. I've spent the years since then between 170 and 180 for the most part, happy as a curvy clam with that size.  

200 for me now means beautiful. It doesn't mean I can't do better. It doesn't mean I'm hiding, or I'm embarrassed or ashamed.  It definitely doesn't mean don't look at me. It doesn't mean I do what some one else tells me to do. It doesn't mean terrified. It doesn't mean not good enough. I promised myself years ago that nothing about me would ever be that girl again. 

BUT. *moment of confession!* 200 does mean too much stress and not enough sleep. It does mean a lot of personal sadness and struggle. It does mean injury and physical and emotional pain. It does mean emotional eating. It does mean being lonely, and not always knowing who is really there. It means holding on to a lot that I should LET GO. 

One thing I have been on the journey to let go of is the stigma of these numbers on the stupid scale. It is a liar (so fickle, seriously, can't trust it), and it doesn't tell the truth about us. If we only look at what the scale gives us, look at all the things we would miss about ourselves! I for one would might miss that I'm funny, smart, loving, real, wise, experienced, beautiful, creative, insightful, and talented. Not to mention, made up of all the fun and hotness pictured above. 

Right now, 200 is an indicator to me about my physical and emotional health. And I can love my body and want to change it at the same time. As my back heals and I'm more mobile and active (happening!), my weight will stabilize to my comfy range.  As I continue to work on my emotional health and habits (thank you therapy), I'll let go of weight physically and figuratively. I'm not worried. 

200 may mean a lot of things. But it doesn't scare me. 

"You have no power over me."--Sarah to the Goblin King

Scale Free Fall

I didn't forget about Scale Free September, I just forgot to write about it.  :/ But! It has been going wonderfully! It has morphed into Scale Free Fall since I love it so much, and I may just move on to Scale Free Life soon. I have weighed myself 2 or 3 times since September 1st, and I have MAINTAINED MY WEIGHT. That is effing huge. I have not gained 20 million pounds without checking my weight every day or week, even through my birthday, a vacation, and Halloween treats. Further, I have shrunk in size. :) I failed to post my measurements at the beginning of this journey (oopsie), but I'll post them together with my current ones now. I made notes of very precise points on my body so I can be consistent every time.

September 1, 2013 Measurements in Inches:

Waist (1 inch above belly button): 36.5
Hips (largest part around booty): 48
Arm (largest part): 14
Bust (fullest part): 41.5
Thigh (thickest part): 28

November 10, 2013 Measurements in Inches:

Waist: 35
Hips: 46.5
Arms: 14
Bust: 40
Thigh: 27

No words. Success speaks for itself.

Helloooooo!

*In my Jerry Seinfeld voice* La la la!

Um, don't mind me.

I haven't written in a very long time, BUT we shan't dwell on it. On to the next thing. Tomorrow will begin my new blog series entitled "Scale Free September," which is very ambitious because it will mean lots more blogging for me, plus more activity (exercise) in my life, plus starting school, plus work as usual, plus physical therapy (relatively new addition), plus starting to volunteer at my local domestic violence rescue shelter, plus church and family and friends. :)  No complaining here, it's all awesome stuff.

So let me explain. Scale Free September is inspired by a few of my imaginary bff's from the internet. My favorite fitness and clean-eating blogger is Erika Kendall of blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com. I learn tons and tons from her blog, and agree 100% with her ideas, nope, FACTS about the right ways to get healthy and create a healthy lifestyle by being active and eating natural, clean, unprocessed foods. Plus she inspired me to start cooking in the past year. That's a big step. Erika lead a Scale Free Summer, but I was not in a place for that yet. I feel ready to make the step now for myself.

My other inspiration is a gorgeous girl named Honorine. Really that's her name. You can find her on Instagram @honorcurves, honoring her curves and everyone else's. I've had the honor (no other word fits as well) of becoming her digital cyber friend, and I get to enjoy her daily pep talks pumping me up to love everything about my jiggly beautiful body, no matter how it shrinks and grows. While I've long been one on board with improvement, I've always had appreciation and affection for what is me RIGHT NOW.  To make it simple, I'm hot stuff and I know it, and Miss Honor Curves, is about spreading that same philosophy to a world of women of all sizes and shapes. One more thing, she does not weigh herself. I've been attached to weighing myself so regularly for so long, I thought: What a brave and admirable outlook on things. I've got to try that.

A few notes about my relationship to the scale, and my personal reasons for a journey without it:

I have gone through a full gammut of being weight-obsessed and just weight-conscious in my life, but weight (the actual number) has always been a defining factor for who Stephanie is. During my earlier college years, I kept a scale in the kitchen (not a food scale, a people scale), and weighed myself before and after each meal, in addition to each morning and each night. I also spent 2-3 hours in the gym most days, ate fruit snacks or toast if I ate, passed out in classes, and my grades sucked. I was the lightest I've ever been in my adult (or teenage) life! I also thought I was huge. HUGE. Like morbidly obese. Like I looked in the mirror and hated it and cried. Like I got ready for school in the morning for 2 or 3 hours, got dressed 4 or 5 times, couldn't do it, and went back to bed, and then went to the gym later.  Like I would have a full melt down if an occasion called for a swimsuit.

That was 30 or 35 pounds lighter than now, and now I'm in bikinis, shorts, leggings, tanks, crop tops, naked, whatever I feel like for summer occasions. So yes I've grown up and come a long way with regards to my body image, thankfully.

But I still tend to continually live with a mindset of envisioning some golden number I need to see on the scale.  Lately it's been just "what I weighed last summer" (169), because last summer was perfect and amazing, and I felt great at that weight. I do in all reality feel like right around there is a great realistic healthy weight for me. It was easy to maintain for over a year, which is an accomplishment for a fluctuater like me. I'd like to stabilize somewhere steady through the healthy habits I've developed, and then just see that at my check ups at the doctor, and not give it more thought than that. I don't want to be so co-dependent with my scale. I shouldn't need to check in daily-weekly-whatever.

My other reason to break up with the scale is that I think other measurements can be a lot more effective than weight to measure the progress of health, which is what I'm going for.  Since my appearance already makes me happy now, I get to forget about fat or skinny, and focus on health.  I'll be using a measuring tape and body fat percentage, once at the beginning and once at the end of September, to check any change.  Other than that, the plan is just focus on healthy habits and feeling good, and see what happens.  It is NOT a weekly weight goal.  It is not reward-myself-for-weighing THIS. It is not I-can't-wear-that-until-I-weigh-THAT. 

My goodbye weigh-in today was 183.6. I lost 17 pounds this summer, and that's an accomplishment to not be overlooked, because I did it the right way this time.  I'm giving my frenemy The Scale to my roommate Megan now, to hold onto for safekeeping, in case I need it for an unforeseen reason in the future.

The elements of Scale Free September will be introduced with more detail tomorrow, along with my measurements to start. I'm excited to be so freeeeeeeee. Wheeeee!!!!

Join in or follow along using #scalefreeseptember on Instagram and Twitter.

Love,
Stephie xoxo

Um hi guys.

My sweet friend Tessa just reminded me that people actually read my blog (she does), so I should probably write...

Few updates. Still enjoying success with Weight Watchers.  Fancy spin: I'm excitedly trying a pescetarian diet for one month.  I began May 11, and will finish Saturday June 15 for good measure. This lifestyle has me feeling great. I feel that I have increased energy and I've noticed less soreness and faster recovery after workouts.  That is a bonus that I never would have anticipated! I'm lovin it. My hippie vegan sister has promised me I will lose 10 pounds in 1 month, and I've lost 6 in a week and a half sooooo, not worried.

Also, I've entered another weight loss challenge at work, and this one is unique.  I had to put $25 in the pot to enter, and there is now $375 in entry fees at stake for the winner.  That winner will be me, if you weren't sure.  I'm 100% motivated this time around.  I started the competition at 200 pounds even, on the Namify gym scale. That was after my San Diego gain... That trip was amazing and well worth every ounce. :) :) :)

Here is my recent progress, since I haven't weighed in since before the Cinco de Mayo-San Diego-Fiesta Like There's No Manana-Trip. I'll work on consistency, I promise.  My work out habits, are actually becoming habits now, you'd think I could get this weekly blog-in thing down....