Friday, December 19, 2014

My Final Paper on Self-Objectification and Social Media

Okay pals, here it is. Keep in mind, this is undergrad... and rushed as I always am. :] *Procrastination queen.*  Enjoy!



The Real “Thirst Trap”: Self-Objectification, Body-Comparison, and other
Weapons Against Women in Social Media

Warning: This document has triggering information for anyone with issues regarding eating, weight, body, or food. Images and language may be triggers.

            It is a well known fact in modern culture that mass media contributes to how we see the world and ourselves. Plenty of documentaries and articles have been written about the damage that the objectifying of women and unattainable ideals portrayed in advertising can do to the psyches of women of all ages (Newsom; Harper 649).  Magazines, TV commercials, and summer blockbusters--all perpetuate the image of one female body type, and one purpose for women to exist—to be looked at. When women are spoken of as “empowered” in the media, it is for their blatant sexuality, not for their intellectual accomplishments (Newsom).  As this standard permeates our culture, what are the casualties? And what about the ways we represent ourselves?  What lengths will girls go to for “likes” on Instagram, Facebook, and other social media?  Because the damage from mass media has been addressed frequently in research already, I’d like to address here a newer danger in media--social media, and the very real effects it has on the health and mental health of young women.  I will prove that social media is taking more time and attention of the public than any other form of media, and that women are particular susceptible to it. In addition, I will show how social media in particular, is creating a culture of increased body-comparison, body-dissatisfaction, and self-objectification in women. By linking these two points and illustrating a bit of lack of academic research in the area of social media and body image, I will demonstrate that more awareness on this topic is needed.
            Social media, as a relatively new part of our lives, has taken over fast and furiously.  Social media is “the use of dedicated websites and aplications to interact with other users, or to find people with similar interests to oneself.” (OED Online)
Facebook is the most popular social networking site (SNS), and was created only 10 years ago in 2004 (Wikipedia). Since then, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest, among others, have launched, and people are spending more time on social networking sites than on any other internet activity, including work, school, or email. This adds up to nearly 6 hours a day for men and 8 hours a day for women (Klein). It is clear that women are receiving more information through SNS, and are potentially more susceptible to any effects that might exist, due to more exposure.
            Previous conceptions were that young women were largely affected by images in mass media, such as actresses on TV, and models in magazines when it came to thoughts of body comparison and dissatisfaction. Recent studies have shown that young women are more likely to compare themselves and their bodies to those of their peers, girls at school and on social media.  Girls are internalizing images and talk from girls their own age and forming their body image and health habits from these images. A study done for the International Journal of Eating Disorders found that “adolescent girls reported comparing themselves with immediate friends and other girls at school more frequently than they compare themselves with models, actresses, or family members.” (Wertheim qtd in Stice 110) The truly scary thing about social media is that it comes home with teenage and young adult women when they come home from school—the comparison to other girls never stops. We are constantly online.
            The accessibility and pervasiveness of social media platforms create a dangerous cycle for young women. Because they see unrealistic ideals from birth, and insecurities become set in so early, young women can tend to turn to SNS for “inspiration” or validation for their insecurities, and end up trying to cure them in unhealthy and unproductive ways.  Pinterest, for example, is a social media platform where women can collect visual bookmarks (pins) from throughout the web, and organize them onto pinboards that share a theme. Of all social networking sites, Pinterest is the most overwhelmingly dominated by women; 90% of its users are female. (Klein) If women feel they need to lose a few pounds, they can find millions of ways through a simple search on Pinterest, adding them all to their “My Skinny Motivation” pinboard, for example.  Whether any of these ways are healthy or not, is a risk that might be taken.  Pins are not regulated, besides copyright holders being able to remove content with request (Pinterest.com; Wikipedia), and it is common knowledge that not everything on the Internet can be trusted as true.  In addition, if young women want to beat themselves up (as they are so use to doing) as a tactic to work out more and eat less, there are endless images of protruding clavicles and ribcages to be pinned to “Thinspo” boards. This is where things get scarier.
            “Thinspo” is short for “thinspiration.” These are not yet real words in the English language, but they are used rampantly in social networking communities, mostly by young women.  The definition is easy to infer from the words used to make up “thinspiration”—thin inspiration. This seems innocent enough, but a few searches of this term will show a darker side. To shed some light, the Urban Dictionary definition gives a clearer picture: “Thinspo is used by people suffering from eating disorders to help keep them inspired (to resist treatment)… Thinspo is usually of photos of skinny or bony celebrities or models. Ie: I look at thinspo of Mary-Kate every day to make sure I don’t binge.”  (Urban Dictionary) When I googled thinspo, I found images of dangerously thin girls, superimposed with text reading things like, “Hungry to Bed, Hungry to Rise, Makes a Girl a Smaller Size,” and “Every time you say no to food, you say yes to thin.” (Google Images)  There were over 680,000 images of this nature.  Many originate from Pinterest, and another SNS, Tumblr.  When I searched thinspo from within Pinterest, the following notice is listed: “Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are mental disorders that if left untreated can cause serious health problems or could even be life-threatening. For treatment referrals, information, and support, you can always contact the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.” (Pinterest.com) Beneath the notice, there are the expected photos rail-thin girls, and hunger-cheering mantras.  While I don’t believe that these photos cause eating disorders, I do believe that photos like these contribute to disordered eating and can deepen some eating disorders, especially EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.  EDNOS is not anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, which are the major dangerous eating disorders that we first learn about in school. EDNOS is characterized by food or calorie restriction, excessive dieting or exercise, fear of “unclean foods,” rapid weight loss, or bingeing or purging (perhaps both).  (Klein; nationaleationgdisorders.org) A person may have any or all of these symptoms, but not have them all together, and so no one notices.   They may also maintain a normal body weight because they restrict food for several days and then binge in secret.  Any of these habits are not healthy and deserve attention. (nationaleatingdisorders.org) These habits reflect an unhealthy body image that may be worsened as girls with depressive thoughts about themselves and their bodies delve deeper and deeper into “thinspirational” quotes and images on social media. The International Journal of Eating Disorders claims that the fact “that peer pressure to be thin apparently increases body dissatisfaction is alarming, because body dissatisfaction has emerged as one of the most potent risk factors for onset of eating pathology. (Stice qtd in Stice)
            The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) says on their website that 35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives. Those are scary numbers.  And all of those behaviors fall in line with symptoms of EDNOS. NEDA also lists that mortality rates are higher for EDNOS, than for other major eating disorders, at 5.2% for EDNOS, 4.0% for anorexia nervosa, and 3.9% for bulimia nervosa. If close to one half of teenage girls border on an unspecified eating disorder, with potentially the highest mortality rate of all disordered eating patterns, any contributing factors for disordered eating are worth looking into.
            In a study at the University of Strathclyde, Dr Petya Eckler found that although time spent on social networks does not cause eating disorders, it does contribute to increased negative body image. She found that “the more time women spend on Facebook, the more they compare their bodies with those of their friends, and the more they felt negative about their appearance.” (BBC.com) She added “These comparisons are much more relevant and may hit closer to home. Yet they may be just as unrealistic the images we see in traditional media.” (BBC.com) These images are just as unrealistic, due to filters, Photoshopping, and editing that is easily done with a swipe of a finger on a smart phone. Another study suggests that women are more depressed after looking at images of attractive people on social media, and in a better mood after looking at images of unattractive people. (Klein) This is due to the comparisons that women subconsciously make with the images against themselves.
The comparisons women subconsciously make and even seek out through SNS are also potentially more damaging than those targeted at men.  Through social media, women, and especially young women, begin to compare themselves to filtered, enhanced photos of friends, friends of friends, girls mainly in their age group, who seem to be always smiling, fashionable, traveling, happy, and put-together. I would argue that these kinds of images of “normal girls like me” can be more psychological detrimental than photos of faraway, though still aspirational celebrity bodies.  On social media, there is a tendency to put our best foot forward, only presenting what will receive the most “likes” and “re-tweets.”  No one posts pictures of themselves curled up on the couch depressed and eating cookies.  Everyone posts pictures of themselves on the beach with a spray tan, a Photoshop App, and a filter.  A teenage or college-age girl might start to internalize, “If that is what my classmate looks like on the weekend, what is wrong with me?” These internal messages will lead a girl to post and pose in photos of her own that will receive an increased amount of attention or “likes.” This may be the real demon in social media—self-objectification.
Self-objectification is acted out in social media when women tailor their posts, whether consciously or sub-consciously, to create an increased sexual response.  Rachel Calogero, in her study on objectification and social activism, explains, “Self-objectification occurs when the objectifying gaze is turned inward, such that women view themselves through the perspective of an observer and engage in chronic self-surveillance.”  (312) Self-objectification is a symptom of constant sexual objectification of women through mass media, social media, and other outlets. When women feel like objects, they act like objects. Calogero goes on to say, “Sexual objectification may be the most pernicious manifestation of gender inequality, because under a sexually objectifying gaze, women’s bodies become—even just for a moment—the property of the observer. Research has demonstrated that, compared with men, women are perceived as being more similar to objects and less human when their appearance is emphasized.” (312) Objectification is so damaging and pernicious because of the results; basically, women will self-objectify to attract or maintain the “positive” attention from men or sexual partners. Women are culturized to view the attention as flattering, validating, and even necessary for success. (Calegaro 313)
            The damage of self-objectification gets worse. Calegaro found in her study that because objectification focuses on appearance, not action, women who self-objectify become likely to perpetuate objectification culture, as opposed to participating in social activism that might combat this detriment to women. Her study focused on college age females. She basically had two groups of young women; one group was asked to write a paragraph about a time they felt sexually objectified, and one was asked to write a paragraph about a neutral subject, such as their plans for the weekend. Then both groups were asked questions about how likely they were to participate in gender-based social activism, like attending a workshop, signing a petition (in person or online), circulating a flier related to women’s rights (in person or online), or fund-raising in the next 6 months.  Here is the interesting part: Women in the self-objectification condition group reported significantly less willingness to engage in gender-based social activism than did the women in the control condition group. (Calogero 316)
            This is frankly frightening.  My intuitive reaction would be that after being objectified, a woman would want to fight back. But it is human nature to repeat the status quo. (Calogero 316) Sadly, images become internalized. Thoughts become reality. This is why social media can be a weapon—women are inundated with objectifying images, and then they act them out on their own Facebook and Instagram profiles all day everyday. “Given the number of opportunities for women to experience self-objectification in their daily lives, it is troubling that such experiences appear to thwart women’s engagement in activism on their own behalf.” (Calogero 316)  Troubling indeed.
            Although objectification theory contends that sexual objectification will socialize women to engage in self-objectification, (Harper 650) there has to be another way. Social media isn’t going anywhere, but perhaps there is a glimmer of hope to be found in the images of women out there in the scrolling masses. There is a community to be found of “body positive” and feminist pages on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest, among other platforms. Katie H. Willcox founded a movement called “Healthy is the New Skinny,” as well as Natural Model Management, a modeling agency for fashion models of all sizes.  She posts pictures of healthy, happy women, with rosey cheeks and fat rolls, doing active things, eating and playing outdoors. She says on her Instagram, “I don’t know where any of this will go, I just know it is my job to create my vision and honor my passion. All I can do is my best to make a difference in the world. That is all any of us can do and it adds up.” (Willcox, Instagram) Another inspiring ‘grammer is Honorine Hachey, best known for the #honormycurves movement on Instagram.  She posts daily that every woman’s body is her own, completely unique, and should be honored no matter what.  A recent post read, “I’m body positive, in that I’m POSITIVE I can do what I want with MY OWN BODY. I’m also body positive in that I extend that same courtesy to each of you, in all your glorious forms, without judgment or criticism… we are all beautiful…” (@honorcurves, Instagram)  The positive messages are out there if you look. Social media can be a weapon, but it can also be a shield.
            The unique thing about social media is that it is like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book—the user is more in control of the content they view and receive than they are with other media outlets. By searching out and following uplifting content that doesn’t objectify women or perpetuate body-comparisons, we are voting. We are in control.  If we don’t want to be objectified, we can object. We can create a network, our own social network, of the images we want to see everywhere of healthy, strong, independent, activist women.
            By becoming aware of the affects social media has on our culture and society as a whole, we can see the specific damage that it has on women specifically, since women are its major users. (Klein 58) When we learn the nature of the effects of viewing content on social media on a constant basis—body-comparison with peers—we see the damage that so much social media usage can do.  The damages include increased body-dissatisfaction and a propensity towards eating pathology in young women. (Stice; neda.org)  In addition, the unique culture of desiring attention and “likes” via social media leads to increased self-objectification and likelihood to perpetuate the objectification cycle. (Calogero; Harper)  The damage can be undone through awareness and seeking out a social network of positive role models and images, in addition to strict avoidance of female objectification while using social media.  Strict avoidance sounds difficult, but it is a start. In the words of Katie Willcox, “That is all any of us can do, and it adds up.” (Instagram)
           










Works Cited
Briggs, Helen. "'Selfie' Body Image Warning Issued." BBC News. BBC, 10 Apr. 2014. Web. 3 Dec. 2014. <http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26952394>.

Calogero, Rachel M. "Objects Don't Object: Evidence That Self-Objectification Disrupts Women's Social Activism." Psychological Science 24.3 (2013): 312-18. JSTOR. Web. 2 Dec. 2014. <http://www.jstor.org/stable/23355121>.

Facebook.com

Harper, Brit, and Marika Tiggemann. "The Effect of Thin Ideal Media Images on Women’s Self-Objectification, Mood, and Body Image." Sex Roles: A Journal of Research 58.9-10 (2008): 649-57. Springer Link. Springer US. Web. 10 Dec. 2014. <http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-007-9379-x#>.

Instagram.com

Klein, Kendyl M. "Why Don 't I Look Like Her? The Impact of Social Media on Female Body Image." Scholarship @ Claremont 2013 (2013). CMC Student Scholarship. Claremont Colleges. Web. 2 Dec. 2014. <http://scholarship.claremont.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1749&context=cmc_theses>.

nationaleatingdisorders.org

Newsom, Jennifer Siebel and Kimberlee Acquaro. Miss Representation. Girls Club Entertainment, 2011. Film.

Pinterest.com

"Social Media." Oxford English Dictionary. Oxford University Press, 1 Jan. 2014. Web. 1 Dec. 2014. <http://www.oed.com.erl.lib.byu.edu/view/Entry/183739?redirectedFrom=social media#eid272386371>.

Roxby, Philippa. "Does Social Media Impact on Body Image?" BBC News. BBC, 13 Oct. 2014. Web. 2 Dec. 2014. <http://www.bbc.com/news/health-29569473>.

Stice, Eric, Jennifer Maxfield, and Tony Wells. "Adverse Effects of Social Pressure to Be Thin on Young Women: An Experimental Investigation of the Effects of “fat Talk”." International Journal of Eating Disorders 34.1 (2003): 108-17. Wiley Online Library. Wiley Periodicals, Inc. Web. 10 Dec. 2014. <http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/eat.10171/abstract;jsessionid=4968E937874EF6DA35C6134A3F691F31.f01t03>.

"Thigh Gap." Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., 9 Oct. 2014. Web. 3 Dec. 2014. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thigh_gap>.

" Thinspo." Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary, 2 Mar. 2007. Web. 3 Dec. 2014.


"Thinspo Search." Google. Google. Web. 3 Dec. 2014. <www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=thinspo>.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Next Step... Goals. Oh boy.

So I'm doing this big Whole 30 thing, and believe me, if you are doing it or ever want to try it, that is enough. But I'm 12 days in as of tomorrow, and I have discovered some things about me that have led me to want to make some goals to step it up a little:

  1. Only 2 snacks per day. I'm not supposed to be snacking much at all on Whole 30, but I have let myself have some fruit, veggies, or nuts every time I'm hungry. It's been A LOT of fruit and nuts. Way too much fruit, and I'm still liking that sugar. The point of this goal is plan my meals more mindfully so I'm fuller and not hungry between meals. Fill up on proteins and veggies. 
  2. Try more new recipes. I'm already falling into ruts, making my same favorites over and over. Lots of boiled eggs, lots of lettuce wrapped hamburgers and sweet potato fries. I need to pick 3-4 new recipes every Saturday before I shop that I can do that coming week. I'm taking the time to cook anyway. I can do it. 
  3. I'm ready to step it up with physical activity. I've been wanting to take a barre class for weeks and months, so tomorrow is the day. I'm going to take my gobs of energy, and show them off! 
My main focus is the main rules of the plan, but I'll do my best with these. It's an awesome process. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm getting fun again... I think.

Unexpected side effect of Whole 30... My personality is coming back.

I've been in a funk (seriously suffocating blues) for about a year, caused by one major blow of stress after another. It has been the hardest year of my life. No I take that back, because things like that are scary to say, but I will say there has been more sadness, shock, panic, pain, and anger packed back-to-back from March 2013 to April 2013 than in any other time in my life so far. It got hard to handle, hard to believe that it was real. It got easier to just joke about it--I told my sister and mom one night (the night after my YOUNGER sister had a mini-stroke and I got kicked out of my apartment) that I was going to write a book someday about this year entitled, "Stephanie Snickets: A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I don't want to talk about the past year anymore, because it really sucks to think about, to hear about, and because that's what my therapist is for. But I will say that the year gradually beat me into a ghost of myself. My best, happiest moments were when I was well-rested on rare occasions, when I dragged myself outside with my dog, or when I was a little loopy from pain meds for my back (injured June 2013), so I actually felt like talking to people. Maintaining friendships has been very hard, because I don't want to talk about my personal struggles much, but I've been very lonely and sad and I need support.  I've also been very difficult to be a friend to, because I shut down a lot, cry constantly, forget everything, and I'm not fun at all lately.  Total downer.

But... silver lining, peeking through the clouds...

It's Day 4 of my Whole 30 and I feel myself growing a little bigger and bigger inside of me again.  I feel like Stephanie isn't stuffed down and choked out by food. I've spent a year using food to kill my bad feelings, but it was killing my good feelings too I think. Killing my whole personality!

It is such a relief to feel that the fun Stephie is not lost forever. She is resurrected and taking some breaths and getting stronger! I was funny on instagram yesterday, I talked to my sister on the phone, I group texted my best friend and made her cry from laughing in church, and I even took a selfie. Nothing is more Stephie than that! I'm back baby.

And one more miracle, tonight, a nice guy that I'm talking to texted and asked how I'm doing, and I said, "Really good!" And I meant it. And he asked, "How was your day?" and I said, "It was good! Really productive at work, and ..." and told him some fun things I did too. I don't remember the last time I told someone I am "good", let alone "really good".  For months it has been, "Okay," while holding back, "Miserable, I hate my life and everything in the world." I felt like a stranger was texting those words, but I just meant them with all my heart, and shocked the crap out of myself. So small, but a giant gleeful moment for me.

I hope I have expressed how huge this is without sounding totally crazy. Oh well, if you think I'm crazy, read a different blog. Xoxox.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I'm Learning Food Stuff.

So guys, I'm having fun with my food. It's Day 3 only (!!) and I'm already feeling some freedom--less constant hunger, fewer cravings, less overwhelm, less stress with regards to "what will I eat right now that will not make me feel TERRIBLE?" Also, today is the first day I woke up without a headache in, oh, 3-4 months at least. So, bonus. And I made a fancy breakfast to celebrate.

Before:

After:

It was yum. I've been noticing that my meals, and especially snacks are wanting to be very fruit/veggie and fat-focused. I need to work on upping my animal protein, at least for Whole30. I'm not used to eating it at every meal, that's for sure. But I'll give it a try for now, and see what I decide on after the 30 days!  These are some snacks I've enjoyed so far:


 Cashews, carrots, and homemade guac


Sliced banana, almond butter, and pecans. Perfect bedtime treat. 
 
 Today I had apple slices topped with avo slices and salt. I just wanted it and had it. So whatevs.

Next food experiment will be making homemade mayo in my blender... with the recipe below. That should help me get more protein in, with some chicken, egg, and shrimp salads. So far so good!

http://vahuntergatherers.com/2014/01/18/homemade-mayonnaise-recipe-paleo-gluten-free/

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Whole30 Wish List

I have some hopes and dreams wrapped up in completing my round of Whole30. The benefits are supposed to be helping with systemic inflammation, easing of mysterious aches and pains, and a reset in regards to food.

These are the things I'm hoping for:
  • less carpal tunnel pain
  • less back pain
  • fewer migraines
  • clearer skin
  • less puffy eyes
  • less tummy bloating
  • more energy
  • better sleep
  • maybe lose some inches (here's hoping!)
  • fewer carb and sugar cravings
So we'll see how it goes! I'll report on how everything turns out. I feel the same as always today. But I ate all my good food. I already need more eggs.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Holy Whole 30

Day 1.

I have begun this very brave and very important food rehab for myself. The program is Whole30, found here. The premise is basically to eat only whole, unprocessed food, void of chemicals and emotionally, hormonally, or psychologically unbalancing ingredients (think grains, sugar, additives, etc).

I committed to the plan yesterday, shopped and prepared, and started today.

I had no choice. I've been eating like food is saving my life, but it's drowning me. I've been emotionally eating my brains out. I knew I had a serious problem when my therapist (judge me) asked me what I look forward to in my life day to day, and I could not think of one single thing besides food. Cafe Rio and cookie dough ice cream.

I've tried eliminating sugar, gluten, meat... I've been pescatarian and vegan. But I cheat. I'm a full blown addict. I need rehab and a total reset. Freedom from food. I can say one thing for all the craziness; I don't give up.

So with my final high weight behind me (208), and some scary bloated before pictures lurking on my phone, I'm ready to eat real food.

TODAY. I ate eggs and sweet potato hash browns with spinach and tomatoes for breakfast. I honestly don't even remember lunch, but it was there. Home-made baked sweet potato chips and fresh guacamole for a snack. Tilapia, zucchini, and pineapple for dinner. Boiled eggs, cashews, and banana for snack. It was a mess, but I did it! I had a headache and stomach ache all day, and started my first period for this calendar year.

29 days to go. Scary frozen smile emoji.


Monday, March 17, 2014

200

This is what 200 pounds looks like.
 200 pound girls wear skinny jeans. And animal print!
 200 pound girls show their tummies. (And wear bikinis!)
 200 pound girls dress up and get and holla'd at as much as the next girl (or more).
 200 pound girls catch themselves staring. 

 200 pound girls take shameless bathroom selfies in dirty bathrooms, just like skinny girls. We are just that hot, we can't wait long enough to clean the bathroom.
 200 pound girls go on vacations and have adventures and hug trees. :)

 200 pound girls are sassy. Duh. Oh and don't always wear clothing "appropriate for their body type."

200 pound girls work out. When they are not taking pics of it. 

 200 pound girls get tired and work out anyway.
Um, and 200 pound girls climb in shopping carts like children. 

Hi my name is Stephanie Spainhower, and I weigh 200 pounds.

This past fall and winter, I weighed myself no more than a handful of times, but I fluctuated between 190 and 200. About the same for the rest of 2013, when I was weighing myself a lot more.  Basically, whether I worship the scale every day or every week or not, I was going to stay about there, and that is based a lot on my emotional eating, which is based a lot on what is going on in my personal life. 

200 is my high weight as a constant fluctuater, and 160-ish is my healthy low.  200 was once a prison for me; it meant shame and pain and the belief that I deserved nothing. Not because of the weight, but because of the beliefs (and the causes), I carried the weight around. I was in a very scary and destructive relationship a few years ago, and didn't wake up and see myself, inside or outside, until I got out of it. Once that happened, I easily dropped 40 pounds. I've spent the years since then between 170 and 180 for the most part, happy as a curvy clam with that size.  

200 for me now means beautiful. It doesn't mean I can't do better. It doesn't mean I'm hiding, or I'm embarrassed or ashamed.  It definitely doesn't mean don't look at me. It doesn't mean I do what some one else tells me to do. It doesn't mean terrified. It doesn't mean not good enough. I promised myself years ago that nothing about me would ever be that girl again. 

BUT. *moment of confession!* 200 does mean too much stress and not enough sleep. It does mean a lot of personal sadness and struggle. It does mean injury and physical and emotional pain. It does mean emotional eating. It does mean being lonely, and not always knowing who is really there. It means holding on to a lot that I should LET GO. 

One thing I have been on the journey to let go of is the stigma of these numbers on the stupid scale. It is a liar (so fickle, seriously, can't trust it), and it doesn't tell the truth about us. If we only look at what the scale gives us, look at all the things we would miss about ourselves! I for one would might miss that I'm funny, smart, loving, real, wise, experienced, beautiful, creative, insightful, and talented. Not to mention, made up of all the fun and hotness pictured above. 

Right now, 200 is an indicator to me about my physical and emotional health. And I can love my body and want to change it at the same time. As my back heals and I'm more mobile and active (happening!), my weight will stabilize to my comfy range.  As I continue to work on my emotional health and habits (thank you therapy), I'll let go of weight physically and figuratively. I'm not worried. 

200 may mean a lot of things. But it doesn't scare me. 

"You have no power over me."--Sarah to the Goblin King

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Scale Free Fall

I didn't forget about Scale Free September, I just forgot to write about it.  :/ But! It has been going wonderfully! It has morphed into Scale Free Fall since I love it so much, and I may just move on to Scale Free Life soon. I have weighed myself 2 or 3 times since September 1st, and I have MAINTAINED MY WEIGHT. That is effing huge. I have not gained 20 million pounds without checking my weight every day or week, even through my birthday, a vacation, and Halloween treats. Further, I have shrunk in size. :) I failed to post my measurements at the beginning of this journey (oopsie), but I'll post them together with my current ones now. I made notes of very precise points on my body so I can be consistent every time.

September 1, 2013 Measurements in Inches:

Waist (1 inch above belly button): 36.5
Hips (largest part around booty): 48
Arm (largest part): 14
Bust (fullest part): 41.5
Thigh (thickest part): 28

November 10, 2013 Measurements in Inches:

Waist: 35
Hips: 46.5
Arms: 14
Bust: 40
Thigh: 27

No words. Success speaks for itself.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Helloooooo!

*In my Jerry Seinfeld voice* La la la!

Um, don't mind me.

I haven't written in a very long time, BUT we shan't dwell on it. On to the next thing. Tomorrow will begin my new blog series entitled "Scale Free September," which is very ambitious because it will mean lots more blogging for me, plus more activity (exercise) in my life, plus starting school, plus work as usual, plus physical therapy (relatively new addition), plus starting to volunteer at my local domestic violence rescue shelter, plus church and family and friends. :)  No complaining here, it's all awesome stuff.

So let me explain. Scale Free September is inspired by a few of my imaginary bff's from the internet. My favorite fitness and clean-eating blogger is Erika Kendall of blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com. I learn tons and tons from her blog, and agree 100% with her ideas, nope, FACTS about the right ways to get healthy and create a healthy lifestyle by being active and eating natural, clean, unprocessed foods. Plus she inspired me to start cooking in the past year. That's a big step. Erika lead a Scale Free Summer, but I was not in a place for that yet. I feel ready to make the step now for myself.

My other inspiration is a gorgeous girl named Honorine. Really that's her name. You can find her on Instagram @honorcurves, honoring her curves and everyone else's. I've had the honor (no other word fits as well) of becoming her digital cyber friend, and I get to enjoy her daily pep talks pumping me up to love everything about my jiggly beautiful body, no matter how it shrinks and grows. While I've long been one on board with improvement, I've always had appreciation and affection for what is me RIGHT NOW.  To make it simple, I'm hot stuff and I know it, and Miss Honor Curves, is about spreading that same philosophy to a world of women of all sizes and shapes. One more thing, she does not weigh herself. I've been attached to weighing myself so regularly for so long, I thought: What a brave and admirable outlook on things. I've got to try that.

A few notes about my relationship to the scale, and my personal reasons for a journey without it:

I have gone through a full gammut of being weight-obsessed and just weight-conscious in my life, but weight (the actual number) has always been a defining factor for who Stephanie is. During my earlier college years, I kept a scale in the kitchen (not a food scale, a people scale), and weighed myself before and after each meal, in addition to each morning and each night. I also spent 2-3 hours in the gym most days, ate fruit snacks or toast if I ate, passed out in classes, and my grades sucked. I was the lightest I've ever been in my adult (or teenage) life! I also thought I was huge. HUGE. Like morbidly obese. Like I looked in the mirror and hated it and cried. Like I got ready for school in the morning for 2 or 3 hours, got dressed 4 or 5 times, couldn't do it, and went back to bed, and then went to the gym later.  Like I would have a full melt down if an occasion called for a swimsuit.

That was 30 or 35 pounds lighter than now, and now I'm in bikinis, shorts, leggings, tanks, crop tops, naked, whatever I feel like for summer occasions. So yes I've grown up and come a long way with regards to my body image, thankfully.

But I still tend to continually live with a mindset of envisioning some golden number I need to see on the scale.  Lately it's been just "what I weighed last summer" (169), because last summer was perfect and amazing, and I felt great at that weight. I do in all reality feel like right around there is a great realistic healthy weight for me. It was easy to maintain for over a year, which is an accomplishment for a fluctuater like me. I'd like to stabilize somewhere steady through the healthy habits I've developed, and then just see that at my check ups at the doctor, and not give it more thought than that. I don't want to be so co-dependent with my scale. I shouldn't need to check in daily-weekly-whatever.

My other reason to break up with the scale is that I think other measurements can be a lot more effective than weight to measure the progress of health, which is what I'm going for.  Since my appearance already makes me happy now, I get to forget about fat or skinny, and focus on health.  I'll be using a measuring tape and body fat percentage, once at the beginning and once at the end of September, to check any change.  Other than that, the plan is just focus on healthy habits and feeling good, and see what happens.  It is NOT a weekly weight goal.  It is not reward-myself-for-weighing THIS. It is not I-can't-wear-that-until-I-weigh-THAT. 

My goodbye weigh-in today was 183.6. I lost 17 pounds this summer, and that's an accomplishment to not be overlooked, because I did it the right way this time.  I'm giving my frenemy The Scale to my roommate Megan now, to hold onto for safekeeping, in case I need it for an unforeseen reason in the future.

The elements of Scale Free September will be introduced with more detail tomorrow, along with my measurements to start. I'm excited to be so freeeeeeeee. Wheeeee!!!!

Join in or follow along using #scalefreeseptember on Instagram and Twitter.

Love,
Stephie xoxo



Thursday, May 23, 2013

Um hi guys.

My sweet friend Tessa just reminded me that people actually read my blog (she does), so I should probably write...

Few updates. Still enjoying success with Weight Watchers.  Fancy spin: I'm excitedly trying a pescetarian diet for one month.  I began May 11, and will finish Saturday June 15 for good measure. This lifestyle has me feeling great. I feel that I have increased energy and I've noticed less soreness and faster recovery after workouts.  That is a bonus that I never would have anticipated! I'm lovin it. My hippie vegan sister has promised me I will lose 10 pounds in 1 month, and I've lost 6 in a week and a half sooooo, not worried.

Also, I've entered another weight loss challenge at work, and this one is unique.  I had to put $25 in the pot to enter, and there is now $375 in entry fees at stake for the winner.  That winner will be me, if you weren't sure.  I'm 100% motivated this time around.  I started the competition at 200 pounds even, on the Namify gym scale. That was after my San Diego gain... That trip was amazing and well worth every ounce. :) :) :)

Here is my recent progress, since I haven't weighed in since before the Cinco de Mayo-San Diego-Fiesta Like There's No Manana-Trip. I'll work on consistency, I promise.  My work out habits, are actually becoming habits now, you'd think I could get this weekly blog-in thing down....

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Squats All Day

There are some days when I don't have any time to work out.  That means I just slept in in the morning through the time I scheduled for my work out, and I have a busy night with plans, so now I've left myself with no time and its my own gosh darn fault. So what do I do?

I make myself a little exercise chart in my notebook, and list out squats, lunges, jumping jacks, and anything else I can think of, and then do ten or 20 in the restroom every time I take a quick break at work. I just keep a running tally all day, and by 5 PM I've done a couple hundred of everything, and built up a sore little tushy and legs!

At least it's something! Tell me some more ideas! :)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Back from the Dead

If you have wondered if I fell off a cliff, it's because, well, I did.  And I've been wandering around suffocating in the fire swamp with all kinds of quick sand and scary ROUS's everywhere for the past 3 weeks or so.  That is one metaphor for it.  The other is I turned into a light-loathing vampire/werewolf, and the closest thing I've been doing to social is gnashing my teeth in the dark and growling "Rawr rawr rawr!" which means, "I wish I was back to a human!" Well, hallelujah, I've been back to a human for 4 days now. Translation: migraine free since Monday.

If you understand the gravity of the pain and nausea I've experienced for the past 3 and a half weeks, you would have a party right now. Because I want to have a party, but I'm still shell-shocked-recovering and feel like I'm still wandering out of a sewer tunnel. Or concentration camp. Or something. Okay I'm dramatic.

But human now. And I'm better.  I ate whatever the f I could find like a scavenger (and that soothed my soul) for the first two weeks, and then stopped the fast food again March 31, and then quit it with sweets again yesterday.  I didn't go crazy with sweets, but did have some this past week during my period.  I'm back on my meds, and feel normal enough to remember what in the heck my goals are and why I need to go to the gym.  I did Zumba Tuesday and I'm going today.  I'm back for weighing in, and taking things one day at a time.

I'm not making any huge re-commitments or proclamations, just taking one human step at a time. Rawrrr.




Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Small HUGE victory

So, I was really hungry today. That tends to happen the first few days of my period, I'm sure ladies can relate. If you remember, I committed (again) to no fast food, and I have made that commitment with a caveat: I can have fast food in San Diego, and next time I go to Vegas, if I feel the need and if I haven't had any since then. I also only have 6 1/2 weeks til my San Diego trip, and it is really time to be serious about what I'm putting in my mouth.
Anyway, I stopped at the bank after work to make a deposit. The bank is surrounded by McDonalds, Wendy's, Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King, Taco Time, and Arby's. And probably others that I forgot. Not so good for me to be around those nasty places that are somehow still tempting in my hormonal and ravenous state. I started driving home after the bank, planning what I would make for dinner. Arby's got the best of me...for a moment. I wanted that beef so bad. I was literally in the drive thru line, pulled up to the sign to order, and right when the poor Arby's person was about to greet me, I drove off. I RAN FOR MY LIFE.
Whew. I made it home and cooked. Quinoa and veggies. And when I was still snacky after, I popped popcorn. Point is, although I let myself eat as much as I wanted of healthy at home food, the great part is I DID NOT EAT OUT. I'm proud, and I'm going to bed.

Xo

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

WEIGH IN FRIDAY 3-1-13

I'm late in posting.  I guess in wasn't that into it. Which is stupid, because my weight was fine, not amazing, but fine.  I just was busy and a little overwhelmed last week.  Here it is:

Jk the picture doesn't want to load.  I will try to update it later. It's 187.2.  So up a little from my Michael Kors weight, but that will even out.  I get to keep them, so there.

Namify weight was 188. :)

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Motivation

So, it's my blog, and I'll say what I want to. Even if it's weird.

I want to talk a little bit about what motivates me and how I stay excited about fitness and losing weight. It can be tricky.  Not that tricky, because I really just purely WANT to be healthy deep down, but every so often this voice talks to me that says "Um hello, you are gorgeous and perfect just the way you are, eat what you want!"  There are two sides to this story, one side that is supremely grateful that I find myself beautiful at my "heavier" weights, and one side that wishes in a twisted way that I hated myself enough to never eat and to work out 10 times a week.  Told you this would get weird.  BUT.  The happy balance I am leading up to is what I mentioned a moment ago: my real motivation to take care of myself in a healthy way because deep down I just love myself that much, and want to show my gorgeous body I love it by nourishing it, making it strong, sexy, and amazing, and also because I love how I feel when I do.

Now, when this ultimate motivation weakens a bit, and I need something more tangible or immediate to spur me along, I like to give myself little rewards and reminders.  I get mini-rewards for every 2 pounds I lose, and larger rewards for larger milestones.  I'm still working on the Michael Kors boots I mentioned in an earlier post.  They are for hitting 186 on the scale. Mini-rewards are things like fashion magazines, nail polish, lip gloss, Bath & Body Works treats, etc.  I earned this pretty nail color for this past Friday's weigh in:


If material treats somehow didn't do it for me (which would be cuckoo), I like making lists of benefits and fun things that will come with my weight loss, that are less material. This might get weird again, but again, my blog...
  • daydream about laying on the beach in my new swimsuits in San Diego
  • smaller boobs :) (I swear this is motivation enough.)
  • summer clothes
  • knee high boots not being tight on my calves
  • face skinnier in pictures
  • feel stronger running dirty dash race coming up
Things like this keep a girl with a vivid imagination moving forward.  Plus anything worth making a list for is worth fighting for.  Plus I love lists.  Perfect plan.

Happy Vday from a sick puppy on the mend. <3

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Shrimps are my favorite

I have a feeling if Forest Gump's friend Bubba could have reigned in the bottom lip a bit, we could have seriously hit it off romanically. We have a lot of common interests.  Okay, our obsession with shrimp at least. I could make anything with shrimp.  It's my favorite everything. Shrimp pasta, shrimp tacos, shrimp salads, shrimp stir fry, shrimp pizza.. and today shrimp open-faced quesadilla. Behold.

Just a few baby shrimp, 1 Tbs. low-fat cream cheese, sliced peppers, 1 oz cheddar, 2 Tbs. fresh salsa on a whole wheat tortilla, nuked for 30 sec. Presto. Protein, fat, and fiber for 325 calories and gorgeous.  My CEO was jealous. ;)


um. blechhhh.

I felt like yuck yesterday. Like a word inappropriate to say for my audience. I was tired, sore, my injured tendon was killing me, my cramps were out of control, and I was cranky and had no energy for anything besides turning Friends on my TV and taking a nap.  Not even watching, just sleeping knowing my Friends were there.
So what did I do on the way home from work? Pick up a KFC Chicken Pot Pie and Cheese Curds. I sure did. And then ate the whole thing. And this is after I "gave up" fast food. Great.
So apparently I'm still comfort eating.
This was after I had also spent the evening prior cooking, writing out my meals for the day, packing them up, pumping and preparing myself for my great food plan in a new way. I just shot it all to heck.
BUT GUESS WHAT.

I just suck sometimes. And then,
I wrote out my meals for today, cooked and packed them again, tracked the atrocity that I called a dinner, and moved on.  Today will be a better day. I'm definitely coming down with a cold, and need to shop tonight and get some lemons for tea and some other good stuff, but today is better already.  I have my workout stuff packed, and looking forward to some low impact elliptical time that won't aggravate the tendon in my hip. Keepin it movin.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Next Step

I had a tough time with temptation tonight.  A sweetie sweetheart in my ward brought me some delicious-looking banana bread cake, and also.. I had a rough day.  When I came home to that moist, thickly frosted cake, I really wanted to throw my no-sugar policy out the window.  Or just take a mini-break.  But I didn't. I ate dinner.  And I still wanted to eat the cake.  But I didn't.  And then I did laundry and did my nails. And I still wanted to eat the cake.  But I DIDN'T. And then I made some tea, and watched some Love and Hip Hop, and I'm finally over the cake.

I talked to myself about the cake for a while, and I came down to this conclusion: 1) It's only January, 1/12 of the way through my year-long goal. I am stronger than that. 2) This is not the first or last lovely sweet treat I will receive from a kind friend.  It does not warrant me dropping something I have made a high priority.  I can be gracious and grateful without going off track. 3) This is not my first or last long/stressful day.  I can cope using other things besides food (manicure, tea, garbage TV, whatever). That's what I came up with.  I'm happy with that for me.

Something else, now that I've seen my own super powers against sweets of all strengths and varieties, I'm ready to step it up.  From February forward, I'm cutting fast food.  I've still been eating fast food occasionally, trying to make "healthier choices" when I do, but it contains tons of chemicals, sugar, and salt that feed food addiction and make me overeat.  Um also, it's really high in calories and bad for me.  So it is next to go completely on the clean eating mission.

Chop.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

LOOK at what my sweet friend did

My awesome friend Karen at work made this delicious organic veggie soup:
And shared it with me today for lunch! What an angel! Because I am completely out of groceries and would have probably ended up with fast food or some other garbage today for lunch. Yuck. Who knows what I would have stooped to.  That's what happens when I leave myself no options.  Grocery shopping today! Woohoo! Then chopping, prepping, freezing what I need for the next weeks-worth of meals. :)

But today, I lucked out. Thanks Karen.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I'm starting to actually get EXCITED for my weigh ins each week.  Like, it's Monday and I can't wait for Friday because I know I'll have lost weight.  It's Monday, and I didn't screw everything up over the weekend.  I worked out and I stayed under my calorie goal every day and I'm awesome.  Friday, bring it on.